A Farewell

Life sometimes caught us off-guard. It would offer unmeasurable joy then suddenly, just suddenly, it would pour intolerable pain. Of course, parts of it are goodbyes. Maybe once you have experienced saying goodbye to someone in your life. And yet, I can also guess that you regretted something that time–that something which should’ve been done or should’ve been said. 

It was the fifth of March. Yes, exactly four years ago; nearly less than a month before my supposedly cheery high school graduation. It was like any other typical Tuesday morning, or so I thought it was, when I and my younger siblings had to prepare for school. I lazily get out of bed and maybe a couple of minutes later; there I was blandly eating my breakfast. The thing was I had a small argument with my mom about me going to where I want for college. We already agreed about it the other night but apparently she changed her mind because of reasons I didn’t understood. I was saying nothing, just like what I usually do; however there were many thoughts that went through my mind and part of it was the assumption that I was wrong about everything. That I was wrong when I thought she cared about my dreams. I was wrong when I thought she believed in me. I was wrong when I thought we were a team. I was wrong.  I became upset.  And so that morning, I did not even look back at that spot where she used to stand to send us off to school. No, I didn’t. I did not waive back at her. I missed the good luck kiss. I just left. I left. 

That day, we only had a half-day meeting in school. And even though I decided to finish some school works, I was still able to head home earlier than usual. I was ready to talk to my mom. That is why she’s the first one I looked for upon reaching the door of our house. We may feel upset for a while but later on, we’ll go on like nothing happened.  We’re like that. A hug will be fine, I thought and I prepared a warm one. But instead the news from my grandfather that my mom was rushed to the hospital welcomed me. Shock! What happened? She’s just fine this morning. I was flustered. Yes. But you know what I thought? That it was nothing serious. That she can definitely bear everything. She could survive as she was a very strong woman. I knew and saw that. And so the worse didn’t really occured on my mind. 

I was preparing the things that will be needed in the hospital. I was still acting all positive about the situation. My aunt on the other hand, was in a phone call. That phone call went on for a couple of minutes. I could hear them from our room. First there was a need for room transfer and of tests.  They said we have to hurry. And just when we’re all ready to leave, the call abruptly ended. But before the line has been actually cut, I thought I heard a cry. Fear started to embrace me. I didn’t said anything though. We drove anyway and arrived at the hospital where I saw my grandmother so pale and weak. She’s been with my mom. Not long after that, we received the news. That news which I couldn’t and I thought, I should not believe. I don’t know but from there, everything seemed to be blurry. Everything stopped moving. There were cries that followed. I didn’t realize that I was crying too until I felt that my face was all damp with tears. The desolating truth slowly appeared in front of me. She’s gone. Just like that.  

I didn’t and would never ask for it. All of it just happened so quickly as if an unannounced storm came to bring destruction. And I guess of all the goodbyes, those that are so sudden that they were left unsaid hurts the most and carve the richest scars. I didn’t even had the chance to tell her how much she mattered to me. I wasn’t there for her. For months I questioned myself and even God. Why does it have to be her?  I couldn’t grasp the fact that she will never be back. 

She was more than a mother to me. She’s also a friend. There was no day we didn’t have those little chats. She simply knew everything. I told her when I got a perfect score in a test, when one of my classmate treat me for an ice cream, when I broke my teacher’s mirror or even when I stumble over a stone on the way home. And those stories made us share ample of laughter. She’s the only one I can fully confide on without doubt of judgements. Now, I realized by the exact words she told me that morning: “Don’t go. It’s too far. I won’t be able to take care of you. Who’ll be there when you got sick? I won’t be by your side. I won’t be able to see you every day” that I am loved. In fact, I am very much loved. So, how dare of me to think that she doesn’t support me when she’s all I’ve got ever since. How shameful of me to think that I was not trusted when she did. How foolish of me to have those thoughts. I was totally wrong. I was wrong. It was just really a simple misunderstanding. But I acted all up. I was too selfish. I didn’t even realize that it would be the last time that I would be able to see her stand there. I should have look back and saw how she waved at us for the last time. I should’ve hugged and kissed her. I should’ve.

It’s been four years. It’s been hard without her around. Sometimes I think of the things we would have done if she was still here. I feel sad but I cry no more. I smile instead; thinking that she’s in peace now with God. I miss her though. 

How many times do we need to say goodbye? I don’t have a clue. What I am certain of is it’s not that easy. Yet, sometimes we just have to. So if ever you’re taking someone’s presence for granted, be sure not to waste time. Express your appreciation and love. Don’t be ashamed and treasure every moment with them as time can be too brief. Don’t let what ifs and maybes linger on your mind every time. Lastly, remember that goodbyes are not always the end. We can always start anew.  And learn from our every farewell experience.

Kwadro

Halika, masdan mong mga kwadro na sa dingding ay isinabit ko

Maganda’t makulay sabihin mo; ito’y sadyang linikha upang hangaan ninyo

Babala’ y mag-ingat lamang, sadyang maraming palabas ang nakalilinlang

Subukan mong tagusin, bawat linya ay suriin, at mula dito’y tuklasin ang mga lihim;

Mga lihim mula sa mga kwadrong inaalis pagkatapos tumiklop ng pinto

Upang ang ganda’t kulay ang makita; Upang itago ang maiitim na marka

Kanlungan ng mga lamat na gawa ng panaho’y lumago’t kumalat

Nananahan sa likod ng mga kwadro na lagi’t lagi na’y isinasabit ko

Teach Me How

Teach me how to smile

Like I never did drown in tears before;

Teach me how to be brave

Like I was never afraid to soar from the high;

Teach  me how to fill the canvass

And paint it with colors but black;

Teach me how to survive the nights

Without the usual tears or fears;

Teach me how to dance

Like its my first time to stand on my feet;

Teach me how to sing

The poems of love I used to write;

Teach me how to love the world,

Even more with its sudden treks; 

Teach me how to forget;

Teach me how to embrace the pain;

Teach me how to mend the wounds;

Teach me how to trust once more;

Teach me then, to start again

Ako at Ikaw

Ako ang dagat,

Hahampas ng walang humpay;

Ikaw ang buhangin,

Walang tinag na maghihintay;

Ako ang dagat,

Ikaw ang buhangin:

‘Di magtatanong at ‘di susuko

Kahit sa t’wing magtatagpo,

Darating naman ang alon

Upang pigilan masaya sanang yugto;

Ako ang dagat,

Ikaw ang buhangin:

Tayo ang dalawang nangangako

‘Di makakaramdam ng pagkahapo

Sa gan’tong paulit-ulit na tagpo;

Ako ang dagat,

Ikaw ang buhangin:

‘Di natin matutuklas ang hiwaga,

Hindi mababatid ang tadhana;

Sa kabila’y sasabihin pa rin ang salita:

“Salamat” ito’y sa bibig magmumula,

Dahil minsa’y nagtagpo naman

Bagamat makaikli’t sukat lamang;

Minsa’y may ako’t ikaw,

Ako at Ikaw:

Tayong dagat at buhangin

Duyan

Sa ilalim ng tanglaw ng buwan sa kalangitan

Sa lalim ng gabi nagtatala ng bukas,

Mga bitui’y binibilang; dito sa kalayuan

Dito mula sa ating lumang duyan

Kung saan ako’y madalas kantahan

Nang mga awiting nakakapagpatahan;

Kung saan ako’y binabantayan

Habang himbing sa ‘yong kandungan;

Kung saan ako’y iyong minulat

Sa mundo’t mga karik’tan;

Kung saan ang pag-ibig at kasiyahan

Una kong nabigyan ng pangalan;

Kay sarap sanang uliti’t subukang pantayan

Yaong mga nakalipas at panahong nagdaan,

Ngunit naisin ma’y malayo nang balikan

Mga panahong may pares ng anino sa duyan;

Ngayon, sila’y alaala na lamang

Kaya’t hindi namamalayan pag-uunahan

Nitong maliliit na butil sa pisnging luhaan;

Mundo ko’t pag-inog nito’y natitigilan 

Dahil ang puwang na sa puso’y iniwan

Kirot ang pumupuno sa mga gabing lumiliban;

Tuloy sa pagtulog bulong na lamang

Doon sa mga bituing dating binibilang:

Sana, ikaw mula sa malayo’t bago mong tahanan, 

Lagi pa ring antabayan akong kapares mong iniwan;

Sa ilalim ng buwan may tanglaw sa kalangitan

Dito mula sa lumang duyan, ika nama’y pinagmamasdan

Sapat Na 

Di sinasadya o baka tadhana

Minsang pagsasama tila iniadya:

Isang tag-init tayo’y nagkita;

Hindi mapagtanto kung paano, 

‘Di rin mawari dahil bago,

Magmula noo’y isinilang 

Isang payak na paghanga

Sa munting puso ko;

Minsang pagtawag sa pangalan ko bigla

Ay naghatid ng lihim na sigla

Malakas na mga pintig, kaba

Mabuti’y naikubli pa

Di tuloy makatitig

Sa nangungusap mong mga mata

Di rin alam pano salubungin

Tamis ng iyong ngiting kakaiba

Kaya sa tuwina’y pasensya na

Sana’y ‘wag magtampo o mabwisit ka

Kung sa ating bihirang pagtatagpo

Madalas, ako’y umiiwas pa 

Nais kong alayan ka nitong tulang linikha

Ngunit ‘ wag mangamba

Ako nama’y hindi naghahangad ng sukling pagsinta

Sapat na ang ika’y nakilala;

Wala man sa loob ang magpaalam na,

Alam kong nalalapit na, paglao’y di na magkikita

Maikli man ang panahon ng ating naging pagsasama

Sa puso ko’y may puwang ka, 

Sapagka’t sa akin, sapat na

Di man nasambit; sa akin inspirasyon ka


(2014) 

Sky

Whether here’s gray and cloudy

And there’s bright and starry

Whenever your heart misses me

And you have so much to tell me

Just look up and you’ll be able to say

The two of us were never too far away

So long under the same sky we’re standing

And there are the same stars we’re watching

What our hearts feel will never be missing

So just look up, you’ll see me smiling

 

HUGOT

Mga tinik na binalot at binaon

Kasama nang paglipas ng panahon

Umasang tuluyan ng maghihilom

Akala’y ganap nang nakuyom

 

Ang sugat palang ilinihim

Pagdurugo’y ‘di madaling pigilin

Sapagkat kapag nasaling

Magdurugo, dudugo pa rin

 

Pagpupumiglas ng damdamin

Hindi kailanman makikimkim;

Kasiping ng sugat na hindi rin,

Maisasantabi sa isang lilim

 

Ang tulang ito higit sa tugma,

Mga pinagsama-samang salita,

At ‘di mailalakip na luha

Maglalahad ng isang gunita

 

Gunita na oo’t nagdulot ng poot

At walang hambing na lungkot,

Gayon ma’y ‘di magawang malimot

Dahil masayang alaala s’ya ring sangkot

 

Ang kape mapait man sa panlasa

Sa umaga lagi pa ring timpla

Dahil sabi mo ang pait maiinda

Kapag ang dalawa; tayo’y iisa

 

Ang mundong malawak

Hindi na kailangang libutin

Dahil mundo mo’y akin

Umiikot sa iyo ang akin rin

 

Mga gabing matanglaw,

Binigyan natin ng ilaw

Sa ilalim ng buwan sabay isinigaw

Ako, ikaw; Ako at ikaw

 

Mga pangarap na hinabi

Kasingkulay ng bahaghari;

Hanggang dulo tayo’y mananatili,

Iyan ang sumpang pinili

 

Kaya’t bakit at paano,

Nagbagong mga pangako?

Bakit at paano,

Napagod ang iyong puso?

 

Bakit at paano,

Nagawang pag-ibig ay isuko?

Bakit at paano,

Unti-unti’y ang ‘tayo’ naging ‘ako’?

 

Mga tanong na naipon

Kasama ang tinik pilit binaon;

Umukit ng sugat paglaon

Umasang ganoon maghihilom

 

Itong sugat na ilinihim

Sakit ay ‘di na kayang pigilin

‘Pagkat ngayong nasasaling,

Nagdurugo, dudugo pa rin

 

Kailan lubos mahihinuha?

Dahilan ng iyong magkawala

Bakit ang damdaming itinaya

Pakiramdam ko’y dinaya?

 

Itong pag-ibig hindi isang laro

Aayawan kapag napagod ka;

Hindi tulad ng isang kwento

Madaling tuldukan kapag wakas na

 

Malayo sa palabas na linikha,

Libangan tuwing walang magawa;

Hindi kaparang ang damdamin

Ng basurang tinapon mo rin

 

Ngayon, ika’y ‘di na hahabulin

Upang sabihing magbalik sa ‘kin;

‘Pagkat ako’y tapos na rin

Tulang ito ang saksi’t didiin

 

Tinik na binalot at binaon

Sugat ang inukit ng kahapon

Malalim, mahirap ungkatin

Ngunit ngayon ito’y ‘di na ‘sang lihim

 

Pagdurugo ‘di na rin pipigilin

Upang kapag ang sugat nasaling

‘Di na muling magdurugo;

Bukas, maghihilom rin

 

Aye, 

Do I need to say a greeting like ‘hey!’ ,’what’s up! ‘ and the kind? Or perhaps the ‘how are you doing?-I’m fine and I hope you’re fine too’ melodramatic way to start this off would be alright. Well, you may reconstruct this part the way you want it to be. But whatever it is, my thoughts  right now are far more important than any of those fancy beginnings. 

So, it’s been almost twenty years since you’ve first witnessed how this world looks like. It was beautiful and nearly perfect in your innocent eyes. Aside from those childly wants, the world for you is one of the simple kinds. You don’t care about other things and enjoy every little things around. Troubles are nothing aside from not having been able to play with a toy in as much as joy is just plainly to be cuddled and kissed by your parents. I know that these memories will bring you a smile.

I remember how you used to cry so loud whenever you’re left alone.I also recall that Easter Sunday when you first realized that you’re afraid of heights. You used to drag your brothers to play with your dolls and kitchen set. And once, you got scolded for fighting with them. At thirteen, you still literally crawl going to your mother’s bed because you don’t want to sleep alone especially with the lights off. You have those big, pretty laughs brought by plain and shallow reasons. I missed that the most. They’re simply mirroring pure happiness. 

Well, who could have known you better? Yes, it has been a long time now and those years just passed by so fast. Things might have change over those years. But surely, those years have mold you to become what you are today. From an innocent child you gradually gain wisdom. From a weakling you are indeniably transforming to become stronger. From a girl you’re slowly becoming a woman just like a bud slowly opening its petal to eventually become a lovely flower. 

Those years were never easy as there were a lot of trials and obstacles that crossed your path.They often made you cry and  made you doubt but I know that you’ve grown in different ways. I hope that you will always remember and consider every learnings as a gift. The most important thing is to live with God. No matter how bad the circumstances you’re in, have faith that it is not yet the end. Keep in mind that He has a different way of granting us our wishes. It may not be wrapped in the way we expected but what’s certain is that His plans are better than ours. 

Don’t be anxious about things you should not be worried about. Just like what your father always says, if you can’t change those things, change the way you look at them.Don’t ever be afraid to fail or fall. Always remember that at the end of the day, whatever happened and wherever you go, there will always be these people who will never stop to love you. There are these people who will forever cherish you. There are these people who will always believe in you. You may fail. But the fact that you are loved by these people will never change. 

When you feel sad, remember that little girl who used to smile. When you feel you can’t go any further, remember to look back and see how far you’ve gone. When you feel like quiting, be reminded of that girl who stayed strong through those obstacles. That’s you. You made it all! There will always come a time that you’ll be challenged by different situations. Accept that life give no easy tests. In fact, it gives the hardest ones. You might want to cry as you always do, but always remember to wipe your tears and face life as strong as you can. Afterall, you are not alone. Throughout this journey, your family are on your side, your friends got your back and God is just, above. You’ll have no reason to turn your back. Everything will just be fine. Be brave enough to face even the strangest days of your life.

The world and everything that it holds is definitely beautiful. It always has despite of its ups and downs. So smile! 

Cheers to both the past that made the present possible and to the future that’s waiting to be discovered! Goodluck. 
Always here,

Your Lovely Self